tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46084225902144717962024-03-13T22:16:30.649-07:00because i canpiecing it togetherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06044432448922356482noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4608422590214471796.post-74875581227380340942010-05-05T20:37:00.000-07:002011-12-30T16:54:09.106-08:00What should be the breath of life...<div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">[i'm cheating with this one. i wrote this as a facebook "note" a while back, but i feel that i have not thoroughly gotten my point across, hence the re-post]<br /></div><br /><br />...inevitably turns into the kiss of death when it comes to the endeavors of one, Lee Pace.<br /><br /><br /><span> I'm too lazy/tired/apathetic to come up with catchy, witty introductions/explanations</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;"><wbr><span class="word_break"></span> for each of the following examples, but the point is, I don't get it. Three brilliant, refreshing works of art (I'm only slightly exaggerating on the first, even less on the second, and not at all on the third) canceled after one season, two seasons, or that just barely escaped being scrapped before the script could even fall (no pun intended...no, really) into Lee Pace's hands.<br /></div><br /><br /><br />1.) Wonderfalls (2004) Written by Brian Fuller<br />Starring: Lee Pace, Caroline Dhavernas, Tyron Leitso<br />Airtime: One Season<br />Episode Guide: <a href="http://www.tv.com/wonderfalls/show/18158/episode.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" onmousedown="'UntrustedLink.bootstrap($(this),"><span>http://www.tv.com/wonderfa</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>lls/show/18158/episode.htm</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>l</a><br />Stream Episodes Here (please don't get me arrested for this, I'm doing you guys a favor): <a href="http://www.tv-links.cc/tv/wonderfalls.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" onmousedown="'UntrustedLink.bootstrap($(this),"><span>http://www.tv-links.cc/tv/</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>wonderfalls.htm</a><br /><br /><br /><br />2.) Pushing Daisies (2007-2009) Written by Brian Fuller<br />Starring: Lee Pace, Anna Friel, Chi McBride, Jim Dale (best narrator EVER), and Kristin Chenoweth<br />Airtime: Two Seasons<br />Episode Guide: <a href="http://www.tv.com/pushing-daisies/show/68663/episode.html?tag=page_nav;episode" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" onmousedown="'UntrustedLink.bootstrap($(this),"><span>http://www.tv.com/pushing-</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>daisies/show/68663/episode</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>.html?tag=page_nav;episode</a><br />Stream Episodes Here: <a href="http://tv-links.cc/tv/Pushing-Daisies.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" onmousedown="'UntrustedLink.bootstrap($(this),"><span>http://tv-links.cc/tv/Push</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>ing-Daisies.htm</a><br /><br /><br /><br />3.) The Fall (2006) Written/directed by Tarsem Singh<br />Starring: Lee Pace, Catinca Untaru, Justine Waddell, Kim Uylenbroek<br />Ok, so obviously, as this was a movie as opposed to a television show, it wasn't canceled - but it could have been EVEN WORSE: <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080603/PEOPLE/868926055" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" onmousedown="'UntrustedLink.bootstrap($(this),"><span>http://rogerebert.suntimes</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>?AID=/20080603/PEOPLE/8689</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>26055</a><br />And to this day, most people have never heard of, much less seen it (thanks Benny - I owe you for this one.)<br /><br /><br />I don't remember where I was going with this.<br /><br />Oh yeah.<br /><br />Lee Pace is awesome.<br />All of these were awesome.<br />And I'm super pissed off that the first two shows were canceled. Super pissed. As someone who admittedly has questionable taste when it comes to things of this nature (I love Harper's Island...I don't care, it was great), the fact that these were canceled while shows like "The Hills" and "CSI version 11.4 - Solving Crimes in Space" are still going strong makes me want to...I don't know...throw things or something.<br /><br />Don't you worry, Lee, things are gonna turn around. One of these days someone on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is going to die tragically in the inferno, directly causing the downfall of Reality TV, and you will be able to work your magic, once again.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIXa2GgqmOVBBPcOy9o7c2I8kxqK0tBpqXgDgt6ZoKqkrby02Gm4MCn2cwEmEklQmZ4bCsSqb9w-OO7xz9cYTvskKP9uFgUOPx8GmTbRQOQHcaJhewlJE-oUlLVkY7HXi4c-1wbBUdcFjQ/s1600/7522_979950848560_7907636_55810853_253729_a.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 290px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIXa2GgqmOVBBPcOy9o7c2I8kxqK0tBpqXgDgt6ZoKqkrby02Gm4MCn2cwEmEklQmZ4bCsSqb9w-OO7xz9cYTvskKP9uFgUOPx8GmTbRQOQHcaJhewlJE-oUlLVkY7HXi4c-1wbBUdcFjQ/s320/7522_979950848560_7907636_55810853_253729_a.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467996987411338802" border="0" /></a><br /></div>piecing it togetherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06044432448922356482noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4608422590214471796.post-5027468965677270082010-04-16T13:45:00.000-07:002011-12-30T16:51:09.609-08:00this is why i'm hott<div style="text-align: center;">i made up a new word today.<br /><br /><br /><br />put your hands together fooorrrr...<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;" class="runseg"><b></b><span style="font-weight: bold;">har·dy</span><b style="font-weight: bold;"><img src="http://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gif" align="absbottom" />har</b><b style="font-weight: bold;"><img src="http://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gif" align="absbottom" />har</b><b style="font-weight: bold;"><img src="http://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gif" align="absbottom" /></b><b style="font-weight: bold;">cis·sist</b><i style="font-weight: bold;"> n.<br /><br /></i><ol><li>the attribute of the human psyche charactized by complete & utter admiration of oneself while simultaneously maintaining the ability (because you're so awesome, duh) to take a joke<br /></li></ol></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />simply put, a hardy-har-har-cissist is a narcissist that doesn't take himself/herself too seriously.<br /><br /><br /><br />yes. i realize that this concept is a complete oxymoron.<br />that's the point.<br />that's why we NEEDED THIS WORD.<br /><br /><br /><br />i love myself. i pretty much think i'm the funniest person alive.<br />i mean, why else would i have started a blog?<br /><br /><br />"what? you think i'm funny, too? oh, stop...you're making me blush!"<br /><br /><br /><br />did i tell you that i'm also very intelligent [read: clever, witty, unmatched in brainpower]?<br /><br /><br />for those of you who don't bear the burden of being the smartest person alive, here is an easy to read explanation of why my word is so mind-blowing-ly awesome.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hardy%20har%20har">here is a compilation of the most accurate definitions of "hardy-har-har" that the world wide web has to offer</a><br /><br />this particular one is my favorite [read: this one best satisfies my ego by proving the point i'm in the process of making]<br /><br />"when something is funny, but is directed at you as a insult, shrug it off by saying hardy har har"<br /><br /><br />narcissists lack the ability to shrug things off. this is why they suck.<br /><br />HARDY-HAR-HAR-CISSISTS, on the other hand, have an amazing sense of humor<br />(and obviously know full well that any insult directed their way is <span style="font-style: italic;">obviously </span>just a result of extreme jealousy brought on by the fact that [insert hardy-har-har-cissist here] is the coolest person ever & that [insert jealous, not-so-cool person here]'s biggest accomplishment won't even live up to the hardy-har-har-cissist's <span style="font-style: italic;">biggest failure</span>.)<br /><br />want to tell me how much you hate me/i suck at life/smell/etc/etc/etc?<br /><br />bring it on.<br />you're just fanning the fire.<br /><br /><br />hardy-har-harcissist is the better narcissist.<br /><br /><br />and it rhymes.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />...with all that being said, if you don't tell me how much you love this post or tell me how hott my new facebook picture is i may cry myself to sleep every night until my body shrivels up like a raisin because i have drained every god-forsaken drop of water filtrating throughout my being out of my tear ducts.<br /></div>piecing it togetherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06044432448922356482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4608422590214471796.post-3201715816089151412010-04-07T18:29:00.000-07:002010-04-07T19:30:41.209-07:00so it turns out i'm allergic to the 1950's<div style="text-align: center;"><br />once upon a time (read: time frame varies person to person) you were young.<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">you were rambunctious (guilty)<br />you thought it was okay to eat earthworms (don't judge me)<br />you were probably annoying the hell out of almost everyone you came into contact with (i never said i'd grow out of it)<br /><br />but most of all, you were an innocent, unsuspecting little child whose life consisted of nothing but puppies and rainbows until <span style="font-weight: bold;">BAM! </span><br /><br /><br /><br />party's over, kid.<br /><br /><br /><br />red, itchy bumps.<br /><br />loads & loads of red, itchy bumps. they were red. they were itchy. and they were EVERYWHERE.<br /><br />all of a sudden all of the puppies and the rainbows and yes, even the earthworms disappeared (i blame the witness protection program) and were replaced by long, torturous hours spent desperately trying to pry off the oven mitts that your parents duct-taped (all in the name of love, of course) onto your hands or soaking in giant, mucky oatmeal baths.<br /><br />(not so bad, you say? tell that to 5-year-old kelly whose stomach would start doing summersaults at the mere MENTION of oatmeal)<br /><br /><br /><br />those days have long since passed...<br /><br /><br />...OR HAVE THEY?<br /><br /><br />fast forward to now. and then rewind to about 2 months ago.<br /><br /><br />kelly wakes up.<br />kelly hits the snooze button.<br />repeat x6<br />kelly drags herself to the bathroom.<br />kelly looks in the mirror.<br />kelly looks like a blurry blob.<br />kelly yawns.<br />kelly stretches.<br />kelly puts in her contacts.<br />kelly looks in the mirror again.<br />kelly starts to reach for the <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">WAIT A MINUTE WHAT IS GOING ON</span>?!?!<br /><br />short story short, kelly is covered in bumps. red, ugly little bumps. red, ugly little bumps that suddenly begin to ITCH.<br /><br />fast forward through a steroid shot in the ass, obsessive application of a prescription face cream & the disposal of every moisturizer/shampoo/conditioner/yougetthepicture i had acquired over the past couple of months and all was well again.<br /><br />or not.<br /><br />repeat this x3. actually probably more like x4 or x5.<br /><br /><br />this is already too long so i'm going to cut to the chase because the whens/wheres/hows/whys don't really matter. what matters is that i'm allergic to pomade. yes, pomade.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJAEw4oZkdeA8ILhtDCNYBQDfzio8ImuUP-WW5MQEgmfNQSNe9ARH8M_f06dh5ZzK7dY5WPXYP0CCe7RpNIXAynMbIedo8oCh9BUsWmxKcuEmV7CWFQP9BwRO0DHperzeePRPEgJR1qNvA/s1600/pomadebrigade.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 286px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJAEw4oZkdeA8ILhtDCNYBQDfzio8ImuUP-WW5MQEgmfNQSNe9ARH8M_f06dh5ZzK7dY5WPXYP0CCe7RpNIXAynMbIedo8oCh9BUsWmxKcuEmV7CWFQP9BwRO0DHperzeePRPEgJR1qNvA/s320/pomadebrigade.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457585163315544850" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">definitely not joining this group</span><br /><br /><br /><br />why this matters [read: why my dermatologist/this little allergy has <span style="font-weight: bold;">RUINED MY LIFE</span>]<br /><br /><br /><br />exhibit a[ka what makes life worth living]<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUtcBMyOvT-5KmRrzP0ZiP4sYniCMh3Tbu96B4FGY_5njatC1g8fnfuTtumvAk9DlI_d-GKYy0wsHFFYwjdyAOYS8u3xs1Q8lbtLYPtQ1gB4Oetmldl5zMadylfybCbWL657B46nj87jT2/s1600/26141_10100197538797540_7907636_60215979_5654679_n.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 275px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUtcBMyOvT-5KmRrzP0ZiP4sYniCMh3Tbu96B4FGY_5njatC1g8fnfuTtumvAk9DlI_d-GKYy0wsHFFYwjdyAOYS8u3xs1Q8lbtLYPtQ1gB4Oetmldl5zMadylfybCbWL657B46nj87jT2/s320/26141_10100197538797540_7907636_60215979_5654679_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457573490376670738" border="0" /></a><br /><br />i am in utter despair over that which will now never be.<br /><br /><br /><br /></div>piecing it togetherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06044432448922356482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4608422590214471796.post-3012517411262009062010-04-06T20:50:00.000-07:002010-04-09T18:12:16.921-07:00just because it's easy on the eyes doesn't mean you won't have to call poison control<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">[this product will rename nameless because i don't want to get sued]</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><br />once upon a time [read: saturday] i went to the grocery store.<br /><br />once upon a time [read: saturday, 5 minutes later] i found a coupon for half-off of <span style="font-weight: bold;">productwhomustnotbenamed</span> on the floor of said grocery store.<br /><br /><br />now seeing as how i've spent the last two weeks finger-scooping (i know, i know, but if you can think of a better way to explain it i'm all ears) every last drop of my shampoo out of the obviously empty bottle AND i had just read somewhere (i think it was nylon magazine, actually...via twitter... *crickets*...) about the magical things that baby shampoo is capable of, i was convinced that this was a sign...<br /><br /><br /><br />fast forward approximately 2.5 days (read: one hour ago)<br /><br /><br /><br />and...ACTION (cue the clapperboard)<br /><br /><br />kelly takes a shower.<br /><br />kelly goes to use her newly purchased shampoo.<br /><br />kelly squeezes bottle of shampoo. nothing happens.<br /><br />kelly unscrews lid of shampoo bottle.<br /><br />kelly thinks: "hmmm, a quality seal? do all bottles of shampoo come with a quality seal? i don't remember a quality seal on my last bottle of shampoo. this is annoying."<br /><br /><br />kelly does the sensible thing and uses her teeth to remove quality seal from <span style="font-weight: bold;">productwhomustnotbenamed</span>.<br /><br />in the process, kelly accidentally squeezes 1/4th of <span style="font-weight: bold;">productwhomustnotbenamed</span> INTO HER MOUTH.<br /><br /><br />kelly chokes. and accidentally swallows.<br /><br />kelly chokes some more.<br /><br /><br />kelly has deja vu:<br /><br />"my mouth is asleep like at the dentist"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzHUtiNCLh2a2uccd5XPr2aRfW8YF5I8I_NOLN-Ajn9PACraBSPMpji1hbNMxTOo8tA-3vJpxGRXbdkFwRsAnF8mP4C2CUdjJK7xjbYJXEMNj28VUPOX4OUzHSoVWReynrOIKsuXhtcCA5/s1600/luke.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 208px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzHUtiNCLh2a2uccd5XPr2aRfW8YF5I8I_NOLN-Ajn9PACraBSPMpji1hbNMxTOo8tA-3vJpxGRXbdkFwRsAnF8mP4C2CUdjJK7xjbYJXEMNj28VUPOX4OUzHSoVWReynrOIKsuXhtcCA5/s320/luke.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457243102477582450" border="0" /></a><br />kelly panics.<br /><br />kelly frantically tries to rinse mouth out with the stream of water coming out of the showerhead.<br /><br /><br />kelly realizes that this is fruitless (read: like a dog trying to drink water out of a moving sprinkler head) and frantically pushes the lever down so that water begins to flow out of the tub faucet.<br /><br /><br />kelly has an even stronger sense of deja vu:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1za51ZQTVzTaTGifRb9mhHJR1GWVUk18cUZYG9ZPPTw7l77BcE-4BnSO4A6d3WPrZPNysbtvztHOkRgysEjaUOreQRFEH5g8Eszt2ZOTKEYScpDv9IiIYrpQOldZrRWUUc3xGwKrUR74M/s1600/Picture+20.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 254px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1za51ZQTVzTaTGifRb9mhHJR1GWVUk18cUZYG9ZPPTw7l77BcE-4BnSO4A6d3WPrZPNysbtvztHOkRgysEjaUOreQRFEH5g8Eszt2ZOTKEYScpDv9IiIYrpQOldZrRWUUc3xGwKrUR74M/s320/Picture+20.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457251809198618706" border="0" /></a><br />kelly rinses. and spits. and rinses. and spits. and rinses. and rinses. and spits.<br /><br />kelly waits. kelly feels queasy. kelly's mouth/throat is still tingling.<br /><br />kelly rinses...and spits...one final time.<br /><br />kelly turns water off.<br /><br />kelly decides to look up the ingredients before she overreacts and calls poison control.<br /><br /><br />...and SCENE.<br /><br /><br /><br />fast forward to 10 minutes ago.<br /><br />my stomach still hurt, my mouth was still kind of tingly, and this is what i had deciphered about my situation thanks to the powers of the internet.<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">ingredients</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">:</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">water</span><br />(so far, so good)<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">cocamidopropyl betaine</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">according to wikipedia this is "a synthetic </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surfactant" title="Surfactant">surfactant</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> derived from </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_oil" title="Coconut oil">coconut oil</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> and </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dimethylaminopropylamine" title="Dimethylaminopropylamine">dimethylaminopropylamine</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">.</span><sup style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" id="cite_ref-FotiC_0-0" class="reference"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocamidopropyl_betaine#cite_note-FotiC-0"><span>[</span>1<span>]</span></a></sup><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> it is a </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwitterion" title="Zwitterion">zwitterionic</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemical_compound" title="Chemical compound">chemical compound</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> with a </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quaternary_ammonium_cation" title="Quaternary ammonium cation">quaternary ammonium cation</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">.</span><br />("can you use the word in a sentence?"<br />"sure, which one?"<br />"umm, all of them?")<br />score one for calling poison control.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><br /><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://chemicalland21.com/lifescience/foco/SORBITAN%20LAURATE.htm">PEG-80 sorbitan laurate</a><br />"found naturally in various berries and fruits...used as a sweetening agent, food additive, toothpaste, tobacco..."<br />(off the hook with this one, but how the hell is this supposed to help clean my hair?)<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">sodium trideceth sulfate</span><br />"classified as not expected to be potentially toxic or harmful."<br />(this is the first...and last...thing i read about sodium trideceth sulfate)<br /><br /><br />fast forward to now.<br /><br />i just got lazy. and tired. i still have at least 8 ingredients to look up. but i'm tired. and lazy. and i figure if 3 out of the first 4 ingredients won't kill me, then i'm off the hook.<br /><br />unless, of course, there is a secret conspiracy group intent on "offing" me that knew that by the 5th ingredient i'd be too tired/lazy/a.d.d. to continue looking up random chemicals that have cryptic definitions that i'm too tired/lazy/a.d.d. to try to understand.<br /><br /><br />but for that to be the case, they'd also have to have:<br />a.) known i had run out of shampoo<br /> b.) planted the coupon on the floor of a random HEB in random waco, texas<br />c.) known me well enough to know that i'm convinced i can use my teeth to accomplish ANYTHING [read: once upon a time (aka 2 months ago) while making a necklace i chipped my front tooth trying (& succeeding, i might add) to close a metal link...yes, with my teeth).<br /><br /><br />so yeah, i don't think i'm going to die. but my hair is still dirty.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />stay tuned for: "zombie jesus" (read: why one day i'll be the richest motherfucker you know...and will most likely burn in hell for all eternity)<br /></div>piecing it togetherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06044432448922356482noreply@blogger.com1