just because it's easy on the eyes doesn't mean you won't have to call poison control

[this product will rename nameless because i don't want to get sued]

once upon a time [read: saturday] i went to the grocery store.

once upon a time [read: saturday, 5 minutes later] i found a coupon for half-off of productwhomustnotbenamed on the floor of said grocery store.


now seeing as how i've spent the last two weeks finger-scooping (i know, i know, but if you can think of a better way to explain it i'm all ears) every last drop of my shampoo out of the obviously empty bottle AND i had just read somewhere (i think it was nylon magazine, actually...via twitter... *crickets*...) about the magical things that baby shampoo is capable of, i was convinced that this was a sign...



fast forward approximately 2.5 days (read: one hour ago)



and...ACTION (cue the clapperboard)


kelly takes a shower.

kelly goes to use her newly purchased shampoo.

kelly squeezes bottle of shampoo. nothing happens.

kelly unscrews lid of shampoo bottle.

kelly thinks: "hmmm, a quality seal? do all bottles of shampoo come with a quality seal? i don't remember a quality seal on my last bottle of shampoo. this is annoying."


kelly does the sensible thing and uses her teeth to remove quality seal from productwhomustnotbenamed.

in the process, kelly accidentally squeezes 1/4th of productwhomustnotbenamed INTO HER MOUTH.


kelly chokes. and accidentally swallows.

kelly chokes some more.


kelly has deja vu:

"my mouth is asleep like at the dentist"

kelly panics.

kelly frantically tries to rinse mouth out with the stream of water coming out of the showerhead.


kelly realizes that this is fruitless (read: like a dog trying to drink water out of a moving sprinkler head) and frantically pushes the lever down so that water begins to flow out of the tub faucet.


kelly has an even stronger sense of deja vu:


kelly rinses. and spits. and rinses. and spits. and rinses. and rinses. and spits.

kelly waits. kelly feels queasy. kelly's mouth/throat is still tingling.

kelly rinses...and spits...one final time.

kelly turns water off.

kelly decides to look up the ingredients before she overreacts and calls poison control.


...and SCENE.



fast forward to 10 minutes ago.

my stomach still hurt, my mouth was still kind of tingly, and this is what i had deciphered about my situation thanks to the powers of the internet.



ingredients:


water
(so far, so good)


cocamidopropyl betaine
according to wikipedia this is "a synthetic surfactant derived from coconut oil and dimethylaminopropylamine.^[1] it is a zwitterionic chemical compound with a quaternary ammonium cation.
("can you use the word in a sentence?"
"sure, which one?"
"umm, all of them?")
score one for calling poison control.


PEG-80 sorbitan laurate
"found naturally in various berries and fruits...used as a sweetening agent, food additive, toothpaste, tobacco..."
(off the hook with this one, but how the hell is this supposed to help clean my hair?)


sodium trideceth sulfate
"classified as not expected to be potentially toxic or harmful."
(this is the first...and last...thing i read about sodium trideceth sulfate)


fast forward to now.

i just got lazy. and tired. i still have at least 8 ingredients to look up. but i'm tired. and lazy. and i figure if 3 out of the first 4 ingredients won't kill me, then i'm off the hook.

unless, of course, there is a secret conspiracy group intent on "offing" me that knew that by the 5th ingredient i'd be too tired/lazy/a.d.d. to continue looking up random chemicals that have cryptic definitions that i'm too tired/lazy/a.d.d. to try to understand.


but for that to be the case, they'd also have to have:
a.) known i had run out of shampoo
b.) planted the coupon on the floor of a random HEB in random waco, texas
c.) known me well enough to know that i'm convinced i can use my teeth to accomplish ANYTHING [read: once upon a time (aka 2 months ago) while making a necklace i chipped my front tooth trying (& succeeding, i might add) to close a metal link...yes, with my teeth).


so yeah, i don't think i'm going to die. but my hair is still dirty.




stay tuned for: "zombie jesus" (read: why one day i'll be the richest motherfucker you know...and will most likely burn in hell for all eternity)